From lawyer to doula… A mother’s journey (Final part)

Hi, friend. Thank you so much for being here with me again! I cannot wait to tell you the rest of my story so that we can get to know each other more :) So… You ready? Grab your lactation bites, your water bottle, your tea or whatever it is that you’re having at midnight while you’re sitting here with me and let’s get going!!

So, where were we? Oh, yeah. 2020, full term pregnancy, crazy world shut down…

(Ok, friend, I gotta confess something first before we move forward. I write these entries from my heart, but the thing is… My schedules are a bit weird, so just like you are up in the middle of the night nursing or asking ChatGPT or Google “why has my newborn not pooped in 2 days”… I am up in the middle of the night because I work overnights. So, my brain may not be at its sharpest point right now, excuse the mix-ups and lack of coherency in certain points :) I do not proof-read at this time of the night!! Ok, thanks, let’s keep going!)

I know that I explained to you how my husband and I were doing a fun little “Euro trip” and I know I mentioned Warsaw and Turkey and knowing I was pregnant and deciding to go back to Colombia… But… Did I tell you about that café in Warsaw? No? That’s what I thought! OK, so, hear me out… It was a freezing winter evening in Warsaw, Poland. My husband and I decided to go explore for a bit. We found a cool little café downtown and decided to go have a hot chocolate and a capuccino -or something like that… And quite frankly, very likely some treat that I don’t currently remember!- We had been together for a little over a year and were now talking about starting our family and whatnot (I think this was either right before I looked at myself in the mirror and knew I was pregnant or right after!) so while I was having my coffee (or hot chocolate?? I can’t even remember anymore… Pregnancy brain, am I right!?;) haha just kidding but if you know you know!) and I said to him:

”If I am pregnant or if I get pregnant soon… I don’t think I can be a lawyer. I would have to go to school again and I just don’t see myself doing that or living the life of a lawyer in the States. I would not be able to have the family life that I want… I don’t think I want to do that. Maybe I should explore coaching? People have said I am good at giving advice. My friends always come to me for advice or when they’re feeling down. I think I could be a good coach”… And ta-da! That’s when it all began :) A mother’s journey from lawyer to coach, to doula, to newborn care specialist!!

Fast forward to a few weeks later, we went back to Colombia, confirmed I was indeed pregnant, had an ultrasound and saw a heartbeat (Little parenthesis because if you’ve experienced pregnancy after loss, you KNOW how much this little heartbeat means… And yet, it is like you are still hanging from one thread, waiting to wake up from the dream, waiting for “the news”, just praying and hoping that this one “sticks”, that this one doesn’t leave too soon… I see you and I want you to know, there really is hope and you are not alone).

The pregnancy went great, I barely had any symptoms, I felt fantastic, aside from the emotional baggage that comes with pregnancy after loss, PARTICULARLY in a world that makes plus-sized bodies consistently feel inadequate and at fault for anything and everything. Then, a couple weeks later, the world shut down. My 13th week appointment was going to be canceled. I freaked out, I cried, I screamed. I needed confirmation that the baby was indeed still there, alive, growing, developing… Luckily, I was able to keep my appointment. I saw my baby for the first time and cried rivers. Anyways, this is getting long (classic Angela!) so let me summarize it for you! At 30 weeks, I took a childbirth class, I felt prepared. I asked questions during appointments, but the problem was, I knew nothing! Whatever the doctor said, sounded like the right answer because he was the doctor. At 40 weeks, I went for my weekly appointment. “Let’s do a cervical check to see where you’re at, ok?” the doctor said. -”Well, if you say so… Sure, why not!?” I lied on the bed. -“Hmm, you’re only 1 cm dilated and your cervix is still not effaced” (e-what!? I thought) “If your baby is not here in 3 days, at 6 AM, I am going to need you to go straight to the hospital and depending on how you are, we will either induce you or do a c-section” … “Well, can we wait a bit more?? What happens if we wait?? How much longer can we wait??” I asked. -”We could. But I’m not willing to risk it. With each day, after 40 weeks, the risk increases too much for baby and mom. I don’t let my patients go to 41 weeks, it’s too risky”. -Well, okay… You’re the doctor. You must know best… I can feel my body getting ready. I feel the shifts in my body, my energy, my mind… But ok. -”Go straight for the cesarean! Inductions are terrible!!” my family said. Everyone had an opinion and all I wanted to do was cry. I was angry, I was sad, I was grieving. I wanted a home birth…. Why was I so ungrateful though? My baby was fine, I was fine, I was in good hands (sound familiar???) …

October 9th came (my “due date” was October 6th), my baby did not. After crying nonstop and grieving the experience that I thought I’d have + blaming myself for being “ungrateful” when I had just carried a baby full term after a loss, I went to the hospital. My parents drove me and my husband. My mom and husband stayed with me. After a lot of advocacy on my mom’s end, they let my husband in with me (remember, we are talking Colombia, 2020 and we are talking about a white man, as American as American can be, who knew basically no Spanish whatsoever! At least not nearly enough to understand anyone in a hospital setting!). I went to triage, they hooked me up, they took my vitals, the doctor checked me… And then they prepped me for a cesarean. I will spare you the details, but basically, I ended up yelling at my anesthesiologist to f*** off. I felt terrified, I had never even been to a hospital before (not as a patient at least!), I felt lonely and I was so angry and sad that they didn’t let my husband in the OR… Until my mom advocated even more and they finally let him in.

Then they took me to the recovery room. Loud. Bright. With a baby in my arms (at least!) while I was terrified of crushing her, not feeling my legs, no clue what to do. I got thirsty, the nurses were too busy chit-chatting with each other to hear when I asked for water… I had to pee, I needed help moving as I was uncomfortable and truly felt like I was going to crush my baby… Again, all too busy talking and laughing. A room full of all sorts of patients, including an elderly gentleman who was coughing his brains out, right across from my newborn baby, in the middle of 2020…

Finally I caught a nurse’s attention when I tried to move by myself. -"What are you doing!?!? You cannot do that!!! You will get a spinal headache!!! You need to stay still!!”-She yelled -”Well… I am thirsty, I have to pee and… I am really uncomfortable and need help with my newborn”. -They finally gave me water and one of those bedpans to pee… Hours and hours had passed. I had not seen my mom or husband and I was starting to feel really weak and exhausted. Eventually they brought me in the room… Again, I will spare you the details, but, 24 hours after my cesarean, 3 loud nurses came in yelling to tell me I had to move and I was ready for discharge. —DISCHARGE!? RIGHT NOW!? I BARELY HAD THIS BABY 24 HOURS AGO! I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO AT HOME!? … They didn’t care.

Long story “short”(ish), a year passed since that experience (which, I know was a relatively “decent” one compared to others and I also know is the average for people so people think it’s “ok”) and I started reading “Natural Hospital Birth” by Cynthia Gabriel. The tears flooded my face consistently as I remembered the details of my experience and grieved what felt like a stolen beautiful and redemptive day to meet my baby. I found out a holistic birth doula course and took it… I started taking more and more classes and became more and more obsessed with it. This was in 2021. I have not since stopped learning about perinatal topics for a day and I am more and more fascinated by it every time. I promised myself I would turn my anger, my grief and my sadness into purpose. I was always going to be there for families in their perinatal journeys.

And THAT is how The Maternity Angel was born :)

Thank you SO MUCH for being here and reading this very long… Thing! :)

I look forward to hearing from you and your family. Are you currently expecting? Tell me YOUR story. Your story matters!!

And if you haven’t already, go subscribe to my newsletter and download my free resource “5 essential hacks for exhausted parents to survive (and thrive) during the first weeks!”… Welcome to The Angel Journal, where birth, postpartum and newborn care are sacred and talked about honestly and openly!

All my love,

Angela